A reader asks:
I think of myself as a pretty confident person overall. But one area where I really struggle is when I get criticized at work. It’s like the minute someone says something negative toward me or my work, I melt into a big puddle of worries, anxiety, and insecurity. Any tips for staying more confident when you’re being criticized?
Yes, I have four specific tips for you about how to be more confident in the face of criticism.
But before I get to those, I want to validate two parts of your experience…
- Confidence is more situation-specific than people think. It’s perfectly normal to be, for example, pretty confident in your job as an engineer but not very confident as a new parent. Or very confident as a basketball player, but not at all confident as an ice-skater. So, the fact that you’re pretty confident in most areas of life but struggle in one specific one is very common.
- Criticism always makes confidence harder. It’s interesting that when we admire other people for their confidence, we often think about and imagine them being confident in the face of situations that are challenging but don’t involve direct, in-the-moment criticism. On the other hand, we tend to assume that we should be able to be confident regardless of whether we’re being criticized or not. Criticism is tough. And even the people who appear to manage it well probably struggle with it a lot more it seems externally.
With that said, here are four of my favorite strategies for how to be more confident when you’re being criticized.
1. Remind yourself that confidence is a belief, not a feeling.
People often assume that confidence is the absence of fear or anxiety, but in reality confidence is the belief that you can do something important despite your fear and anxiety.
This distinction is important in real life because one of the biggest mistakes people make when they’re being criticized is to assume that because they feel anxious and insecure, that must mean they lack confidence. And that assessment of low confidence only makes them feel more anxious and insecure. This quickly turns into a vicious cycle.
In reality, it’s completely normal to feel anxious or afraid when doing something challenging and being criticized for it.
So…
Don’t interpret the presence of anxiety as evidence for a lack of confidence.
When you’re approaching a challenging situation where you might be criticized, remind yourself that it’s normal and okay to feel anxious, and that by doing the thing anyway, you’re actually building confidence regardless of how you happen to feel.
Learn More: The Two Sides of Confidence →
2. Acknowledge and validate your emotional response to criticism.
The great psychiatrist Carl Jung once wrote:
What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.
Unfortunately, in the face of difficult emotions like anxiety or embarrassment, our automatic reaction tends to be to avoid or criticize those emotions because we assume they’re bad (or, as we pointed out earlier, a bad sign).
But when you avoid your emotions, you teach your brain to see them as threats and dangerous, which only makes them harder to handle. Not only does this increase your overall level of emotionality in the moment, it also lowers your emotional confidence—your belief in your ability to manage difficult emotions well.
So, instead of avoiding your anxieties and insecurities in situations like this, practice validating them instead. When you’re feeling embarrassed, for example, after having an unfair criticism level against you, remind yourself that just because an emotion like embarrassment feels bad that doesn’t mean it is bad—or that you’re bad for feeling it.
Learn More: How to Validate Your Emotions →
3. De-identify with the criticism.
Occasionally when people criticize us they are literally attacking our character and who we are as a person. But much more common is the situation where someone criticizes our work or our actions, and we interpret it as an attack on ourselves as people when in reality they were criticizing our work or a specific action of ours.
The problem is this makes the stakes of the criticism much higher, and as a result, our anxieties and insecurities get much bigger than they need to be. After all, if your very worth as a person is on the line, of course you’re going to feel overwhelmed by anxiety, shame, and all sorts of other difficult emotions.
And while it’s human nature to “take things personally,” that doesn’t mean we can’t get a lot better at not taking things personally—or at least, not so personally.
Try to practice the following psychological maneuver the next time you feel criticized: Instead of identifying with the criticism, abstract your self from the equation by clarifying what specifically they’re criticizing. For example: They said the analysis was terrible, not that I’m terrible. Or, Yes, she clearly didn’t think much of my suggestion, but that doesn’t mean anything about my worth as a person—or even what she thinks of me as a whole.
4. Thank them for their criticism.
Remember that confidence is your belief in your own ability to handle anxiety-producing situations well; it does not mean that you will never get anxious or feel insecure.
The thing about beliefs—including confidence—is that they come from our behavior. And when it comes to your belief in your ability to do something challenging and handle the criticism that comes with it well, how you act in these situations is what matters most.
For example: If in response to someone’s criticism, you just get quiet and then avoid speaking up in similar situations in the future, your brain will learn that you’re not willing to do important things in the face of fear, and as a result, your confidence will shrink. Similarly, if you respond to criticism by getting defensive and, say, criticizing back or giving people the silent treatment, that also signals to your brain that you’re afraid, and as a result, reduces your confidence long-term.
On the other hand…
When you respond to your fears and their criticisms well, your confidence will grow.
So how do we respond well to criticism? There are lots of ways, but here’s one that’s especially powerful as a confidence-builder: Thank the other person for their criticism. For example: Well, David, I’m not gonna lie, that was tough to hear. But I appreciate that you’re willing to give me your honest feedback. Thank you.
By thanking your critic for their criticism, you reframe the criticism as feedback and an opportunity for growth, which tends to alleviate some of the anxiety. But more importantly, because you approached and were willing to have the fear and anxiety that comes with the criticism, you’re teaching your brain that it’s okay to be criticized and feel bad, and as a result, your confidence will rise.
Just make sure your thank you is genuine, not passive-aggressive!
Learn More: How to Be More Assertive →
All You Need to Know
It’s completely normal to not feel confident when you’re doing something meaningful and challenging—especially if you’re being criticized while doing it. But that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Here are four strategies for staying confident in the face of criticism:
- Remind yourself that confidence is a belief, not a feeling.
- Acknowledge and validate your emotional response to criticism.
- De-identify with the criticism.
- Thank them for their criticism.
Learn More
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