A reader asks:
I find myself constantly scrolling through social media (mostly Instagram) comparing my life to the carefully curated images I see online. It’s affecting my self-esteem and making me feel inadequate. I know logically that I shouldn’t compare myself to all these lifestyle influencers on social media, but I can’t seem to stop. How can I break my social media habit (addiction?) and cultivate more contentment with my own life?
The standard advice in situations like this is that if social media are making you unhappy, just stop using social media.
But what if social media aren’t the real problem when it comes to your low self-esteem?
Or even more provocatively…
What if you’re scapegoating social media as a way to avoid a more fundamental cause of your low self-esteem?
If I asked you, Why do you follow lifestyle influencers on Instagram? what would you say?
- Because they periodically give you discount codes on wellness products? Eh… I mean, maybe that’s a fringe benefit, but I doubt that’s the core motivation.
- Because you’re bored and have nothing else to do? Again, no doubt that’s part of it sometimes. But is relief from boredom really the core reason behind your habit of social media use?
- How about a more psychological answer… It’s an avoidance mechanism to escape emotional pain! Once again, while this probably happens sometimes, I doubt the majority of your Instagram viewing happens precisely because you’re experiencing emotional pain and want some quick relief.
I think most people’s core motivation for consuming social media is closer to this:
We consume social media because we crave agency.
Here’s my little theory on this:
- Most people don’t have nearly as much agency over their lives as they would like. If their life was a movie, they’d be an extra rather than the hero or the director.
- But people are also afraid of exercising more agency. Whether it’s fear of failure, social anxiety, childhood trauma, or a thousand other potential reasons, they’re terrified to take on the role of leading man or woman in the story of their lives.
- As a result, they fall into what seems to be the next best thing: Watching other people who have (or at least appear to have) high agency. The appeal of following a social media influencer is that we feel like we’re participating in someone else’s high-agency life—maybe with the vague hope that we’ll be inspired to exercise agency like that one day.
Seen through this lens, your social media use isn’t necessarily an objectively bad thing that’s damaging your self-esteem. In fact, it’s signaling to you what you really do need for healthier self-esteem: exercise more agency.
Often low self-esteem comes directly from a lack of agency. Which makes sense when you think about it… It’s hard to esteem yourself when you’re passively floating through life rather than taking the reins and directing it according to your authentic desires and goals.
But as we alluded to before, even if you understand this on some level—that you need to be more agentic if you want your self-esteem to improve—there’s still the fear issue: For many people, for many reasons, taking the reins of life is scary! And it’s a lot more comforting (if depressing) to hang out in the back seat and let someone else drive.
So what do we do about the fear that obstructs our agency and leads to low self-esteem?
Well, like most fears, they’re often terrifying because we only think about facing the really big version of them:
- Quitting your miserable job and going back to school to become a doctor!
- Writing that novel you always dreamed about!
- Selling your house and moving to Costa Rica!
But of course those are terrifying to the point of paralysis… If you’d never run a mile, the idea of running a marathon would be similarly terrifying.
We only overcome our fears when we face them incrementally—slowly and steadily working from smaller ones to larger ones—gaining competence and confidence along the way.
Well, exercising agency in your life isn’t any different. Let’s say you want to write a novel, but are terrified by the prospect of it. Ask yourself this:
What’s the 5% version of writing a novel?
Maybe it’s:
- Draw a map of the fantasy world where your novel will take place.
- In just 2-3 sentences each, describe some of the potential characters you have in mind.
- Make a list of your 5 favorite novels, and for each, briefly explain what you enjoy most about them.
It sounds simple, but often the best way to get over any fear is to give yourself permission to work on a much smaller scale.
And I think this is true for building agency too.
Instead of framing your self-esteem problems in terms of What can I remove from my life in order to feel more contentment?, try reframing it as How can I slowly start adding more agency-building activities to my life?
So here’s your homework: Grab a pen and paper, head to the coffee shop, and spend 20-30 minutes journaling about what sorts of small behaviors (remember: the 5% rule!) would help me start to build more agency in your life.
But let me end with a bit of a twist that brings us back to social media…
I don’t think you need to stop or even limit your social media use in order to improve your self-esteem. In fact, if you really want to fast-track your agency-building, try this:
Use social media better, not less.
I think a social media platform is a tool. And like any tool they can be used well or poorly. But just because they are frequently used poorly is no reason to abandon them.
And when it comes to increasing agency, social media use has some powerful advantages, namely, they’re social!
In my experience, it’s much easier to start exercising agency when you:
- Are surrounded by peers who are striving for the same thing—and perhaps also struggling with the same doubts and fears.
- Have role models you can look up to and follow.
- Have the opportunity to share your own experiences and encourage others.
Social media, used well, are ideally positioned to help you with all three of those things.
Back to the novel writing example…
- Find a little corner of Instagram or Twitter or whatever your social media platform of choice is where other aspiring writers hang out.
- Start engaging a little bit with people who are interesting: Leave a thoughtful comment or give a nice word of encouragement.
- As you get a little more comfortable, consider sharing small bits of your own writing experience and journey: A struggle you’re having, a question, a request for advice, a little victory, etc.
In other words, start being genuinely social on social media.
I think you’ll find that, when approached from an active and productive mindset rather than a passive and consumptive one, social media can actually enhance your agency agenda instead of detracting from it.