A reader asks:
My husband is a narcissist and I don’t think I can take it anymore. I can’t imagine leaving him completely, but I also can’t fathom living in a relationship like this the rest of my life. Is it possible for a narcissist to really change?
First of all, I would think carefully about calling your husband a narcissist.
We don’t call people schizophrenics because, while someone may suffer from schizophrenia, that doesn’t define who they are as a person. Similarly, while someone may be pretty narcissistic, it’s neither true nor helpful to calabel them a narcissist. Because despite how it may feel sometimes, there is much more to that person than their narcissism.
As to your question about whether your husband can change, I’d think about it like this…
- Can someone who’s been extremely timid, passive, and deferential their whole life become confident and assertive?
- Can someone who’s been addicted to alcohol or opiates for decades kick their addiction and learn to live without it?
- Can someone who’s never been musical in their life learn to play piano at age 60?
Of course! In almost any aspect of our psychology, it’s possible to make dramatic changes. And I’ve seen examples of people with very strong narcissistic tendencies seriously reign those in.
But is it likely…?
Well, that depends on a lot of complicated factors ranging from their own level of self-awareness and motivation to the incentive structures of their environments and their access to necessary resources.
At the end of the day, only your husband can decide to be different. Which means it’s up to you to think very carefully about your values and whether it makes more sense to end the relationship or learn to accept and live with your husband the way he is.
Because while just about everyone can change, most won’t.
So, my advice would be two-fold:
- Because you seem to have a lot of confusion and uncertainty about whether to remain in the relationship or not, I would recommend spending some serious time reflecting on and clarifying your personal values. When you’re stuck trying to make a big decision, that often means you need more clarity about your values.
- Next, whether you decide to end the relationship or stay in it, you will almost certainly benefit from learning to communicate more assertively and set better boundaries.
Next Steps
Here are a few resources I’d recommend for anyone in this or a similar dilemma: