A reader asks:
I’m ashamed to admit this because I’m a pretty confident person overall, but I have a pattern of feeling very insecure in my romantic relationships. I worry almost constantly about the relationship falling apart even though there’s almost never any actual evidence this is happening. Ironically, this constant worrying seems to strain the relationship more than anything else. How can I get over my relationship insecurities?
Like most emotional struggles, feeling insecure in your romantic relationships usually comes down to habits. And two of the most common insecurity-generating habits in the context of romantic relationships are:
- Overprocessing past relationships
- Overcompensating for present inadequacies
Let’s look at each one:
1. Overprocessing Past Relationships
Especially for people with a perfectionistic streak to their personality, it can be hard to move on from previous relationships. And this is particularly true if there’s a lot of uncertainty or ambiguity about why the relationship ended.
Of course, while some healthy reflection and introspection about why a given relationship ended is quite healthy, you absolutely don’t want to fall into a habit of ruminating on previous relationships as a way to cope with uncertainty anxiety. Because if you’re habitually ruminating on uncertainties from previous relationships, it’s very easy to slip into habitually worrying about uncertainties in your current relationship—which, as the reader alluded to, only puts more strain on the current relationship.
Put simply…
Ruminating on the past often leads to worrying about the future.
If you want to stop overprocessing previous relationships, you need to get better at:
- Becoming more aware of your habit of rumination
- Practice letting it go by shifting your attention elsewhere—mindfulness training is especially helpful for this.
As you work on these, keep this in mind:
Uncertainty and the anxiety that comes with it is normal and inevitable—especially in relationships. So instead of assuming it’s a problem that must be solved before you can be happy, reframe it as normal and remind yourself that certainty and lack of anxiety are not prerequisites for a happy relationship.
Learn More:
2. Overcompensating for Present Inadequacies
Just like some people fall into the trap of using mental habits like rumination and worry as a way to avoid uncertainty anxiety, others fall into unhelpful behaviors as a way to cope with their anxieties and inadequacies.
Two of the most common are people-pleasing and reassurance-seeking.
Like all forms of coping, these habits feel good in the short-term because they temporarily alleviate anxiety. But in the long run they lower your confidence and make you feel more insecure by teaching your brain that anxiety is bad and a threat.
Remember…
Being confident doesn’t mean you don’t feel anxious; it means you don’t let your anxiety control how you behave.
If you struggle with either people-pleasing or reassurance-seeking, the answer to both almost always involves training yourself to be more assertive about what you really want and don’t want. This guide to assertiveness is a good place to start.
Learn More
Next Steps
One way or another, most relationship issues boil down to unchecked anxiety and insecurity. Which means, often the best way to improve a relationship is to focus less on the relationship and more on your own anxiety and creating a healthier relationship with it.
Here are a few anxiety-related resources that might be helpful: