3 Reasons Regret Is Good – The Friendly Mind

If someone tells you they don’t have any regrets, they’re either…

Lying
Have a neurological condition
Living under the misguided fantasy that that you can and should avoid regrets

Because despite all the feel-good messaging you see on Instagram about how important it is to live your life without regrets, I think the exact opposite is true…

We all have regrets because we all make mistakes. And when you recall or think about a mistake you’ve made, it’s normal to feel some regret as a result.

Of course, some people are consumed by regret—usually because of unchecked mental habits like rumination and self-criticism. But that’s a very different thing than simply feeling and moving through occasional moments of regret.

After all, regret is just an emotion. And like any other emotion from fear and anger to sadness and pity, it’s a perfectly normal part of the human experience.

But more than just being okay or normal, I can think of at least 3 very specific reasons why regret is actually good and useful when you learn to look at it the right way.

1. Regret is a by-product of ambition

I don’t mean ambition in the extremely narrow work my ass off to get rich quick or take over the world sense. I mean ambition in the psychologically healthy sense of having dreams, goals, and aspirations for your life and striving to achieve them.

Sadly, a lot of people grow up learning that the worst thing in life is to fail and be seen as a failure by others. As a result, they learn not to be ambitious. Because if they don’t think about, dream about, and generally let themselves have big goals for their life, they don’t have to worry about failing and being seen as a failure.

Of course, this starts out in relatively small ways…

Not trying out for the cheerleading team
Switching from a risky “creative” major to something more practical
Not asking that guy you like out because you feel inadequate

No one of these things seems catastrophic in the moment.

But then one day you wake up one day at forty-five years old feeling empty, lost, and depressed because you never took a risk, and frankly, don’t even know what would be worth taking a risk for because you’ve totally ignored every ambitious instinct you’ve ever had since you were 12.

The paradox of regret is that the more you try to minimize regrets the more likely your whole life becomes one.

Or put another way…

Not taking risks turns out to be the riskiest way to go through life.

On the other hand, when you’re willing to face and live with difficult emotions like fear and regret, you can start building a more ambitious life—whatever that looks like for you.

It’s only by embracing regret—being willing to feel it and have it—that you can be assertive enough to live a life that’s exciting, creative, and meaningful.

2. Regret is a sign of emotional maturity

Maturity in any area of life is the result of opening yourself up to feedback and being willing to do something new…

You only mature intellectually when you admit to what you don’t know and work to fill in the gaps through study and learning.
You only mature socially when you stop being selfish and learn to balance your own needs with the needs of other people.
And you only mature emotionally when you become aware of your emotions—especially the difficult ones—and take responsibility for managing them instead of blaming them on other people and the world.

Unfortunately, many people don’t mature emotionally as much as you might expect because they’re unwilling to acknowledge (much less tolerate and accept) difficult emotions like regret.

The cycle goes something like this…

Regret feels bad.
And because it feels bad they assume it is bad.
So, anytime regret begins to emerge, they immediately distract themselves or suppress it.
And because their brain sees them constantly running away from regret, it learns that regret must be dangerous.
Now, regret feels even worse because they’re afraid of feeling regret, which leads to even more regret avoidance and denial.

The trouble is if you’re in denial about regret, you can’t learn anything from it. And many of the most transformative experiences in life come as a direct result of reflecting on mistakes we’ve made, which requires the willingness to feel regret and other difficult emotions.

A couple examples to illustrate:

You passed up an opportunity to go work for a new company that was exciting but scary, choosing instead to “play it safe” at your current job. It’s only by being willing to tolerate your regret that you can analyze that decision, learn from it, and—should a similar opportunity arise in the future—take it.
Or suppose you cheated on a romantic partner when you were young. It’s only by being willing to acknowledge and tolerate your regret over that choice that you’re able to reflect on it, learn from it (including why you really did it), and hopefully, avoid it in the future.

Like many emotional experiences, regret often has something to teach us. But you’ll never learn from it if you’re unwilling to sit with it.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you need to wallow in it or stew on it indefinitely. But people who have a healthy relationship with regret are much more likely to demonstrate emotional growth and maturity.

3. Regret fosters empathy.

If you’re familiar with regret because you’ve spent time with it yourself, it makes it easier to be empathetic and compassionate with other people—especially when they make mistakes or are struggling.

A few examples:

A parent who has spent some time reflecting on and sitting with some of their regrets from their younger days, is going to have a much easier time empathizing with their teenage children (and come across as a whole lot more empathetic) than someone who is unwilling to go back there.
A salesperson who genuinely considers and sits with some of their own financial regrets is going to be much better at empathizing with potential customer’s fears and concerns around spending more money—and as a result, address them more authentically and effectively.
A spouse who really considers some of the mistakes they’ve made in their career and processes their resulting regret is going to be a much more effective and compassionate listener when their partner is struggling in their work and needs an encouraging and validating presence.

On the other hand, people who avoid regret at all costs often come across as cold, detached, or uncaring. Because while they know intellectually about other people’s struggles, it often doesn’t come across as authentic.

Now, it’s worth stating the obvious here that the willingness to experience regret doesn’t automatically double your EQ and make you instantly relatable and empathetic. But it is a very good place to start.

So, if you do get the feedback—either directly or indirectly—that you’re not especially warm, supportive, or empathetic, leaning into regret can be a powerful way to change that.

For example, try this:

Once a week, sit down for 10 minutes with a pen and paper.
Think back on your life to something you regret. It should be at least a medium to large sized regret.
Then spend a few minutes reflecting on the following questions:
How did I feel in the moment? What about the days afterward?
What emotions and motivations led me to make that decision that I now regret?
Without denying any responsibility for my actions, in what ways was it understandable that I ended up making that decision?
How do I wish I had handled the situation instead?
How can my feelings of regret over this situation help me in the future?

Do this for a few weeks, and I guarantee you’ll be significantly more empathetic with other people and their struggles.

Like the mistakes that precede it, regret is an essential part of who you are.

Embracing that in a healthy way will not only help you to feel more at home and authentic with yourself, but you’ll naturally come across as more relatable and compassionate to others as well.

Learn More

If you’re interested in learning more about regret and similar aspects of psychology, you might enjoy some of the following:

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