A reader asks:
Is it really possible to set healthy boundaries with toxic people? I often hear the advice that setting healthy boundaries is an important part of healthy relationships. But in my experience, toxic people never respect your boundaries, which just leads to more frustration and pain.
I’m going to be perfectly blunt:
I don’t like the term toxic people.
And I’ll explain why in a second.
But first, I need to clarify a few things about the concept of boundaries. Because while just about everybody these days is at least vaguely familiar with the concept of boundaries, almost no one really understands them in a deep way. Which is a big reason why people have such a hard time actually setting boundaries—including with “toxic” people.
So, in the rest of this article, I’m going to share five critical (but little known) ideas about boundaries and how they work.
Then we’ll revisit this idea of toxic people—include why I dislike that term so much, and whether or not you can actually set effective boundaries with them.
1. Boundaries are about your behavior, not other people’s.
A lot of people think that boundaries are a way to get other people to change their behavior and act better.
Nope.
Boundaries are about clarifying and controlling your own behavior.
Specifically, a boundary is a rule for yourself that says: If someone does X, then I will do Y.
For example:
- If my coworker yells at me during a meeting, I will leave the conversation.
- If you continue leaving your dirty clothes on the floor, I will not wash them.
Of course, boundaries can communicate something important to others if they’re willing to listen. And they can shape other people’s behavior if they’re open to and motivated to change. But it’s unwise to expect that boundaries will have these effects or to use them solely for those purposes because ultimately, the only thing you have direct control over is your own actions.
Boundaries are about you, not them.
2. Setting boundaries is the easy part. It’s enforcing them that’s tough.
Let’s say you set a boundary with your father-in-law saying If you keep disrespecting my wishes and giving my son junk food, I’ll stop bringing him over on Friday afternoons and get a babysitter instead.
Uncomfortable as that might be to confront your father-in-law and actually say that to him, you know what’s a lot harder…
- Continuing to say no when your very sweet mother-in-law calls you up practically begging you to let your father-in-law watch your son on Friday afternoons again.
- Continuing to say no when your father-in-law escalates and says he’ll stop contributing to your son’s college fund.
- Continuing to say no when your spouse starts being passive-aggressive with you about the boundary.
Now, don’t get hung up on the details of this particular example and whether you think it’s good, bad, or whatever. The bigger point is this:
Enforcing good boundaries is much more difficult than setting them.
But if you’re unprepared for this, you’re likely to end up setting a boundary but then compromising on it or giving up on it entirely, which is counterproductive because now you’ve taught people not to respect your boundaries in the future.
When it comes to boundaries, a good rule-of-thumb is this:
Never set a boundary you’re not willing to enforce.
3. Many people will never change regardless of how well you set boundaries.
A lot of people simply aren’t psychologically equipped to function well in serious relationships regardless of how well you set and enforce boundaries.
For example: one precondition for both setting and respecting boundaries is a certain amount of emotional resilience—the ability to tolerate an uncomfortable feeling and do the right thing anyway.
For example:
- To set and enforce a boundary, you have to tolerate the fear of the other person getting upset with you.
- To respect someone else’s boundary, you have to tolerate the frustration of not getting your way immediately.
If one or both parties in a relationship doesn’t have the basic emotional maturity required to set and respect boundaries, it’s unlikely those boundaries will work in any meaningful sense.
So before you expect that someone should be able to respect your boundaries, it’s worth asking yourself whether they are even capable of it in the first place. And sad as it may be, many people simply aren’t—including, potentially, the person you’re so frustrated with for not respecting your boundaries.
The most important function of healthy boundaries is to remind you of what you can and can’t control.
4. For boundaries to shape others, they usually need time and repetition.
I used to hear all the time from clients who said things like: Well, I set a boundary with her, but she just did it again the next day anyway.Or, I enforced my boundary and just walked away, but then he did the same thing again next week.
This is a little like saying: I meditated once but I don’t feel any different Or, I explained how to drive the car but he keeps running into things.
Behavior change, if it happens at all, is usually a slow, difficult, and messy process—even if people are open to it and actively trying!
In many cases, you and the other person have been acting in a certain way for a long time; that is, you’ve learned a certain way of interacting with each other. Which means that unlearning those interaction patterns will typically take time and repetition, just like anything else.
So, even if you’re willing to set and enforce a healthy boundary, and even if the other person is open to changing their behavior too, don’t expect an overnight success.
If people change, it’s not because you made them; it’s because they learn something new, which takes time.
5. Sometimes the only boundary that works is the big one.
For all sorts of reasons, many people simply will not respect your boundaries no matter how well you set or enforce them.
For example:
- No matter how many times you set a boundary on working after hours, your boss will not stop emailing you about work on the weekends.
- No matter how clearly you state your boundary about not criticizing you for feeling anxious, your husband continues to be demeaning and hypercritical of you.
In situations like this, it’s essential to be honest with yourself about what your options are.
And there are basically two:
- Accept that the other person is unlikely to ever change. And if you want to remain in that relationship, be willing to tolerate it and stop expecting things to be different.
- Leave the relationship. Often the most important boundary is the one nobody wants to think about: leaving the relationship entirely… getting a new job, separation in a marriage, etc.
Both of these options are admittedly extreme and should only be a last resort. But when you’re in a relationship with an extreme person, often only extreme solutions will work. Again, hopefully that’s not necessary. But you’re doing yourself a disservice if you’re not thinking hard about that possibility and how you would handle it if necessary.
The only thing scarier than imagining a worst case scenario is finding yourself in one unprepared.
So what about boundaries with toxic people?
As I mentioned at the beginning, I strongly dislike the term toxic people. Here’s why…
For one thing, it’s pretty vague. People use it to describe everyone from serial abusers to obnoxious coworkers. So, I never quite know what people mean exactly when they describe someone as toxic…
- Are they toxic because they’re manipulative and cruel?
- Are they toxic because they’re mentally unstable?
- Are they toxic because you frequently get upset when they’re around?
- Or maybe “toxic” is just a very emphatic way of saying you don’t like someone?
My experience is that most people don’t actually know what they mean when they use the term toxic—or they use it inconsistently in different situations. And if people are using a term to mean different things at different times without attempting to be clear or consistent… well, I’m not sure how helpful that is to anyone!
But I could be wrong. If you really want to use that term, I’d challenge you to:
- Define it precisely and run that definition by a few smart people and see what they think.
- Use it consistently, and only according to your definition, then see whether it’s helpful or not.
The other reason I don’t like the phrase toxic people is that I think it’s rare that a person is completely anything—including completely toxic (assuming we know and agree upon what that means).
While certain behaviors and actions can definitely be cruel, manipulative, or just downright mean, I would be hesitant to describe a whole person as toxic for the same reason I don’t like referring to people as schizophrenics or depressives—those things may be a part of them, but they don’t define them.
Instead, I’d recommend this:
Instead of labeling a person as toxic, try to define which of their specific behaviors is toxic and why.
Not only will this help you think more carefully about other people, but—returning to the main topic of the question—it will help you set better boundaries with this person if that’s what you want to do.
And the reason is simple:
Boundaries are about behavior, not people.
Remember: a boundary takes the form of If someone does X, then I will do Y.
So, in order to set and enforce your boundaries well, you need to be crystal clear about both their behaviors that trigger a boundary for you as well as the behaviors you’ll engage in if that happens.
So, 1,600 words later…
Can you really set a boundary with toxic people?
I think you can set healthy boundaries with anyone.
But if you do choose to set a boundary with someone, I’d encourage you to steer very clear of overgeneralized notions about a person being entirely one thing or another, and instead, focus on specific behaviors you will and won’t tolerate and what you’re willing to do should those behaviors arise.