Everybody gets irritable sometimes. But some people struggle with chronic irritability, which means they have frequent and prolonged bouts of irritability.
Of course, many things that contribute to chronic irritability aren’t things you have much control over:
- Your genetics or early childhood experiences
- Medication side effects or hormonal shifts
- Structural inequalities or systematic oppression
- Physical illness or chronic pain
But, there are a handful of common psychological causes of chronic irritability that anyone can get better at managing, and as a result, feel significantly less irritable over time.
In the rest of this article, I’m going to walk you through three of the most common psychological causes of chronic irritability and give some specific advice for how to work through each of them.
1. Unaddressed Resentment
Resentment is a form of anger characterized by rumination and an unwillingness to address the problem in a straightforward manner.
A simple example to illustrate:
- A husband resents his wife for not being more physically affectionate.
- He thinks about this frequently, ruminating on why she is the way she is, how she should behave instead, and how unfair it is that his two best friends have spouses who are frequently and effortlessly affectionate with them.
- However, he’s unwilling to have a conversation with his wife about this directly because it feels too awkward.
- Instead, he frequently resorts to passive-aggressive comments about her lack of affection.
- Over time, this resentment leads to a significant lack of trust and intimacy in the relationship which only exacerbates the very problem he resents.
Put more generally…
- People who are chronically irritable usually have unaddressed resentments in their lives, typically involving people they interact with on a regular basis like spouses, partners, coworkers, parents, etc.
- Because these people are a constant presence in their life, their resentment is frequently triggered.
- And because they have a habit of ruminating on the resentment, these triggering moments often spiral into full-blown irritable moods.
- Finally, because they’re usually unwilling to address the issue head on—or even talk about it directly—their relationships continue to deteriorate making the irritability more common and intense.
90% of the time, the solution to unaddressed resentment involves becoming more assertive…
- Being willing to broach a difficult conversation candidly
- Telling people in an honest and respectful way what’s really bothering you
- Asking for what you want in a simple, non-defensive way
- Firmly but respectfully saying no to what you don’t want
That said, occasionally people hold onto resentments with people who are gone or not present—deceased parents, former coworkers or bosses, etc. And in this case, the key is to break the habit of rumination. Because while dwelling on how others have hurt or mistreated us may provide some brief ego-boosting in the form of self-righteous indignation, it only strengthens and perpetuates the resentment and all the irritability that comes with it in the long run.
How to Get Started
If you suspect that unaddressed resentments are contributing to your chronic irritability, the first step is to identify:
- The person whom you resent
- The specific issue you resent them for
So, take 20 or 30 minutes and, using a pen and paper, spend some time writing about when you feel resentful, the people you feel resentful toward, and what specifically you feel resentful about. Getting your thoughts down on paper is crucial because it helps to clarify them, which makes the next step much easier.
Then, if possible, make a plan to assertively communicate with them about the issue. If you’d like more guidance on this, my guide to assertiveness might be helpful.
If it’s not possible to address the issue with the person, focus on getting better at managing your rumination habit. This article of mine on rumination has several helpful tips.
2. Chronic Anxiety
While irritability and anxiety seem like very different emotions superficially, it’s actually very common for them to show up together because chronic anxiety actually fuels chronic irritability.
For example:
- I had a client once, we’ll call her Sophie.
- Sophie came to see me because she was having trouble at work. Specifically, she’d gotten feedback from several coworkers and now her manager (whom she liked and respected) that other people found it hard to work with her because she was frequently short, irritable, and “snappy” with them—especially during stressful times.
- Of course, it’s not uncommon for people to get irritable when they’re stressed. But what really bothered Sophie was that she was largely unaware of it.
- I remember she told me something to the effect of: “You know, I like to think of myself as a pretty self-aware person, but I’m clearly missing this. I can see it after the fact when people point it out, but in the moment my irritability doesn’t even register for me.”
- What I eventually helped Sophie understand was that she was also a lot more anxious than she realized. And the irritability was a result of the anxiety.
- Of course, this isn’t uncommon for high-achievers like Sophie. They spend so much of their life following the rules, getting the good grades, acing the performances, etc. that they lose touch with how they’re actually feeling emotionally. And when you’re a high-achiever, you tend to spend a lot of time in stressful, anxiety-provoking situations. But if you’re not aware of how much anxiety you’re experiencing on a regular basis, it’s going to be very hard to manage it effectively (and all the other emotional consequences that come from it—like irritability).
So, if you struggle with chronic irritability but also tend to run anxious, the best approach is frequently not to address the irritability head on, and instead, focus on working through the anxiety.
How to Get Started
While there are many forms of anxiety—and an almost infinite number of origins for people’s individual anxiety struggles—there’s only one direct cause of anxiety… worry
So, you can significantly reduce your overall anxiety by learning to be more aware of and manage your habit of chronic worry.
In my course on chronic worry and anxiety, Creating Calm, I teach a simple but powerful technique called Scheduled Worry which involves deliberately making time every day to write down your worries on paper. And while it sounds counterintuitive, it is actually incredibly helpful because it trains your brain to worry less erratically and spontaneously by “rewarding” it for worrying at a fixed time.
If you’re interested, you can learn more about how to do scheduled worry here →
3. Emotional Moralizing
Emotional moralizing means that you’re in the habit of judging your emotions as good or bad—and likely, yourself as good or bad for having them.
For example:
- After some negative feedback about a project at work, you feel anxious. You then immediately judge yourself for feeling anxious: Feeling anxious about this is silly… Grow up! Consequently, you feel ashamed and angry with yourself for feeling anxious, which leads to even more anxiety and irritability.
- You haven’t heard back from your girlfriend about the dinner plans you suggested and are feeling annoyed. You then think to yourself: Don’t be a jerk… She’s probably just busy. Now you feel irritable with yourself for feeling annoyed.
- You’re having trouble focusing on your writing project because you keep thinking about your father who passed away several years ago and feeling sad. You then think to yourself: This is ridiculous that I still feel so sad after three years… What’s wrong with me? As a result, you feel anxious and irritable about feeling sad.
All of these are examples of a more general phenomenon I call compound emotions. A compound emotion is a much more intense and long-lasting emotion or mood that results from judging your initial emotions: Anger about sadness, guilt about anxiety, anxiety about regret, etc.
Now, consider this:
- We all experience difficult emotions all the time—minor bouts of nervousness or fear, bits of annoyance or anger, moments of sadness or disappointment, etc. These are all perfectly normal, if a bit unpleasant.
- But if you’re in the habit of telling yourself that it’s wrong or bad to feel these things, you’re going to feel constantly upset with yourself.
- For some people, this emotional moralizing leads to chronic anxiety. For some it can contribute to depression. But for a lot of people, it leads to chronic irritability.
- That is, you’re irritated with yourself almost constantly because, deep down, you think it’s wrong to feel bad.
But however unpleasant or painful, no emotion is bad (or good) for the simple reason that emotions aren’t something we have direct control over. And it doesn’t make any sense to judge a thing morally if you can’t control it.
Remember:
Just because it feels bad doesn’t mean it is bad.
If you struggle with chronic irritability, it’s very possible that the root cause is a core belief that it’s bad or wrong to feel bad emotionally.
But here’s the twist…
To change a belief takes action, not just understanding.
You can tell yourself it’s okay to feel bad emotionally ‘till you’re blue in the face. But if your actions suggest otherwise—if you persist in judging yourself for how you feel or trying to avoid those feelings—the belief will persist. And along with it, the chronic irritability.
So, in addition to reminding yourself that it’s okay to feel however you feel, you also need to get in the habit of accepting and tolerating difficult emotions rather than avoiding or trying to get rid of them.
How to Get Started
The ability to tolerate difficult emotions is one of the core skills in emotional resilience.
And one of the best ways to get started tolerating difficult emotions is to practice with very minor ones:
- Suppose a lot of your irritability stems from the habit of judging yourself for feeling anxious.
- In that case, look for very small or minor instances of anxiety or fear that you feel throughout the day—the kind that are so small you wouldn’t normally even give them much thought or effort.
- Instead, use these as opportunities to practice tolerating the emotion and being willing to have it.
- So, if you feel a little pang of nervousness before sending a text to your sister, tell yourself: It’s okay to feel a little anxious and send the text anyway. I’m willing to be anxious and do the right thing despite my anxiety. Then go ahead.
Like any skill in life, the best way to build emotional tolerance is to start very small and slowly work your way up, building competence and confidence along the way.
If you’re interested in learning more about emotional resilience, l lead a 5-week emotional resilience masterclass called Mood Mastery that’s all about building the skills for responding to difficult emotions in a healthy and effective way.
All You Need To Know
While many factors can contribute to chronic irritability, there are three common psychological causes which have the benefit of being things everyone has direct control over:
- Unaddressed Resentment
- Chronic Anxiety
- Emotional Moralizing
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