People struggle with low self-esteem far more than they should.
And it’s not because they’re weak, undisciplined, or permanently damaged by a bad childhood.
Most people struggle with self-esteem because they don’t understand how it works.
In the rest of this article, I’m going to share three things about self-esteem everyone should know.
1. Self-Esteem Is Your Reputation with Yourself
Self-esteem is confusing mostly because of the way experts talk about it:
- Academics argue endlessly about what the precise technical definition of self-esteem should be. But the theory quickly gets overwhelming and obscure unless it’s literally your job to research self-esteem.
- Meanwhile, most therapists, coaches, and mental health influencers talk about self-esteem all the time—and often in very down-to-earth and accessible ways—but they rarely bother to define it; and worse, they often use it in different ways to mean different things: Is it a feeling or a belief? Does it come from childhood or negative self-talk? Do you improve it by focusing more on yourself, less on yourself, or something else entirely?
Given all this confusion about what self-esteem is, it’s not surprising that people who actually struggle with low self-esteem have a hard time!
So before we move on to where self-esteem comes from and how to improve it, I want to share the single best definition of self-esteem I’ve found:
Self-esteem is your reputation with yourself.
I like this definition not because it’s the most comprehensive, or even the most psychologically interesting, but because it’s the most helpful.
Everyone knows what reputation means, and for the most part, where it comes from:
We admire people who act according to our values—especially when it’s hard.
For example:
- If you are a parent and have a strong value of playfulness, you’re likely to admire other parents who are good at being playful and lighthearted with their kids. Their reputation with you will be high.
- If you’re a business owner who values integrity, you’re likely to admire other business owners who show a willingness to act honestly even if their bottom line suffers for it. Their reputation with you will be strong.
- If you’re a writer who greatly values both creativity and business savvy, you’re probably going to admire other writers who publish books that are both artistically stimulating and financially successful. They will have a great reputation with you.
In other words, we all know that other people’s reputation with us is a result of behaviors aligning with values.
Well, self-esteem is the same process applied to ourselves…
Our self-esteem is high when we consistently act in a way that aligns with our values—especially when it’s hard
We’ll talk about the action part of this idea in the next section, but first, we need to take a second to talk about the values part…
If self-esteem is your reputation with yourself, and your reputation with yourself depends on acting in alignment with your values, you’re going to have a hard time doing that if you don’t know what your values are—or worse, if you blindly adopt and internalize other people’s values.
Now, personal values is a big topic. But the key idea here is simple:
Knowing your values—what really matters to you—is a prerequisite for healthy self-esteem.
If you want to get started discovering and exploring your personal values, I have a little PDF guide called the Values Discovery Toolkit where I share some of my favorite simple exercises for values discovery.
Get a copy of the Values Discovery Toolkit here →
And if you want to do a slightly deeper dive on what personal values are and why they matter, check out my guide to personal values →
Now, while values are critical for self-esteem, it takes more than just knowing your values: healthy self-esteem only comes from consistently acting on those values, which is what the next section’s all about.
2. Self-Esteem Comes from Your Behavior in the Present, Not the Events of Your Past
All sorts of things influence your self-esteem, including everything from your genetics and early childhood experiences to your self-talk and personal values and a whole lot in between.
But these factors influence self-esteem only indirectly by influencing your behaviors in the present.
Let me give you an example:
- Let’s say you had a difficult childhood, perhaps because you were often bullied at school. As a result, you believe that being bullied as a child is the primary cause of your low self-esteem.
- This is an understandable but incomplete explanation for your low self-esteem. In reality, the bullying led to certain habits or behaviors which stuck around to the present day and are what’s currently causing your self-esteem issues.
- For example: Maybe in response to the bullying, you learned to be overly deferential and accommodating of other people as a way to prevent others from being cruel to you. This habit of people pleasing, by the way, may well have been useful as a child to protect you from bullying.
- But if that people pleasing habit persisted into adulthood, it’s very likely to not only be unhelpful at preventing bullying, but it might also be actively interfering with your self-esteem.
- If your people pleasing habit causes you to habitually sacrifice or give up on your boundaries, for example, your self-esteem is going to suffer because you are regularly saying yes to people when what you really want—what you value—is to occasionally say no to others so you can say yes to yourself.
- So, while bullying from childhood may have been the initial trigger for your self-esteem issues, the actual cause of your low self-esteem is your behavior or habits in the present.
It’s worth mentioning, though, that habits and behaviors aren’t just physical like exercising or saying no to someone’s request of you. Behaviors can also be mental:
- Chronically ruminating on a failure from the past.
- Habitually worrying or catastrophizing about the future.
- Criticizing or judging yourself after reasonable mistakes.
All these happen in our head, but they are behaviors we choose to engage in. And, however difficult, we can get better at not engaging in them. Which means that in many ways, the best way to improve your self-esteem is to find one of these especially problematic mental behaviors interfering with self-esteem and focus on letting go of it.
Of course, letting go of difficult mental habits like chronic worry or rumination usually takes a while.
But if you really want to improve your self-esteem quickly, there’s one set of behaviors I’ve found to be by far the most effective…
3. Assertiveness Is the Fastest Way to Improve Self-Esteem
There are four basic styles of communicating:
- Passive communication is when you defer or inhibit expressing your own wants and needs for fear of upsetting other people. People-pleasing, conflict avoidance, and agreeing when you don’t really agree are all forms of passive communication.
- Aggressive communication is when you express yourself in such a way as to disrespect the rights of others. Threatening, demeaning, or blackmailing people are all forms of aggressive communication.
- Passive-aggressive communication is the worst of both worlds: You’re being aggressive but in such a way as to deny responsibility for it. Gaslighting, sarcasm, and gossip are all examples of passive-aggressive communication.
- Assertive communication is when you are perfectly clear and honest about your own wants and needs and you express them in a way that is fully respectful of the rights of others. Asking for what you want, setting boundaries on what you don’t, and expressing your opinions honestly are all examples of assertive communication.
Regardless of how familiar or not you are with these styles of communication, it’s pretty obvious to just about everybody that long-term what you want in your life are people who communicate assertively…
- No one wants to be surrounded by people who are primarily aggressive or passive-aggressive in their communication.
- And even though primarily passive communicators initially seem nice and easy to be around, they almost inevitably end up anxious, resentful, and stressed out, which tends to make them very difficult to be around long-term.
- On the other hand, it’s remarkably liberating to be around people who will consistently be honest and always do it in a respectful, kind way; that is, people who communicate assertively.
Now you might be wondering:
What does all this communication stuff have to do with self-esteem?
Everything, as it turns out…
To see how, try this little thought experiment:
- Think of two or three people you deeply dislike… I would bet a lot that they communicate almost entirely in either aggressive or passive-aggressive ways.
- Now think about a few people you like but don’t especially admire… I would bet that these people are primarily passive communicators.
- Finally, think of a handful of people you deeply admire… I would bet a lot that most of them are primarily assertive in the way they communicate—they’re honest and wholehearted in speaking up, saying what’s on their mind, and even defending other people or their beliefs; but they’re never mean, cruel, or manipulative in the way they do it.
Underneath these examples is some pretty straightforward psychology:
Deep down nearly everybody wants to be both authentic and kind.
These are two core human drives that virtually everybody strongly desires. Of course, we often don’t live up to those aspirations—usually because of some kind of fear or insecurity—but deep down they’re present for almost everyone. And when we encounter it in other people, we admire them because that’s how we want to be.
So think of how much more you’d admire yourself if you were consistently acting in a way that was simultaneously authentic to yourself and kind to others?!
Assertiveness is about showing up to life wholeheartedly. And when you start doing that—even in very small ways—your self-esteem is sure to rise.
Of course, assertive communication, like values, is a pretty big topic. So the key is to start of very very small:
- Telling your best friend that, actually, you’d really like to get sushi tonight instead of pizza.
- Telling your spouse or partner that you’d prefer not to watch a rom-com tonight, and instead, check out that new spy thriller.
- Sharing a snapshot of your most recent watercolor painting with an old friend even though you feel slightly awkward or embarrassed.
If you want to learn more about communicating more assertively, I put together a little Assertive Communication Cheat Sheet that lists my favorite tips and reminders for communicating assertively, plus answers to common questions and extra resources on the topic.
Get The Assertive Communication Cheat Sheet Here →
You can also learn more about assertive communication in this brief guide I put together.
All You Need to Know
If you want to improve your self-esteem, there are three essential ideas to know:
- Self-esteem is your reputation with yourself, which comes from consistently aligning your actions with your values.
- Self-esteem comes from your behaviors in the present, not the events of your past.
- Assertive communication is the fastest way to improve your self-esteem.
Next Steps
If you’d like to learn more about self-esteem and practical ideas for improving it, here are a few more resources from me that can help: